RAMBLINGS OF A MAD WOMAN

Lately I have had so many thoughts running through my head; I don’t seem to be able to make it stop.  Tick Tick Tick all day long.

I am a big phony bologna (thank you Oscar Mayer song) sometimes.  I say I want to diet and lose weight and never seem to get anywhere.   The level of frustration and failure is unbelievable.  I surrender and think I am on the right track.  Almost every diet, weight management program, lifestyle change guru says you have to own it; say it out loud to people in order to be successful.  I am beginning to think I need to just shut up and accept myself the way I am.  The stress of trying to change it is exhausting and I am beginning to bore myself.  Stay tuned, I don’t know if this is a temper tantrum, a new thought process or just an excuse to justify failure.

I went clothes shopping Saturday.  Nothing makes me feel worse about myself than that.  I know many women that love to shop but I absolutely hate it.  The only good thing about it is lunch out!  If I can’t do lunch I may as well stay home.

I have several T-shirts and blouses that have tiny holes in them, all in the same place, the bottom front.  Something is ruining them.  I have checked the edge of my desk, the kitchen sink area, anything I can think of and have determined that it is being caused by the zippers of my pants.  Is anyone else having this problem?  I decided buying pants with elastic waist bands was the answer.  There was a lot of deliberation going on in my head over this.  Am I officially OLD if I buy them?  I think it was Dr. Oz that said never to buy elastic waist bands.  What does HE know, he is skinny?  How old do you have to be to go for comfort and not look old?  I NEVER tuck in my shirts so that might help smooth “the look.”  I’m going to be 55 this month, maybe I really AM old. 

I found trouser pants with elastic waists at Dillard’s and I love them.  They are comfortable, reasonably priced and don’t look like old lady pants.  I bought black, navy and brown.  Luckily they don’t come in red, green, yellow, orange colors like the thick polyesters that we frequently see running around Florida.  Now if the tiny holes appear again I don’t know what I will do. 

I can’t seem to watch much TV anymore.  I think I am going insane.  I watch a TV show and worry over the characters.  I dream about them, wonder if they are doing ok.   It is so bizarre, does anyone else do this?  Do I need to get my medicine changed?  I used to do this when I was younger, which is why I quit watching the Soaps.  Now we also have all these celebrity real life drama’s playing out in the press and it is heartbreaking.  Maybe my life is finally dull enough that I am looking for excitement elsewhere to feed that drama seed. 

I am thinking about giving up TV for Lent.  How would I go about that with an avid TV watcher in the house?  And what about the Magic; are basketball games considered TV?  Can I give up TV except for Magic?  Is it true that what you give up for Lent doesn’t count on Sundays?  Can I change Sunday’s for Monday so I can see “Dancing With the Stars” when it starts the end of March?  Maybe I should just say no TV after 10PM.

I worry about this stuff, it plays on my mind.  I do not worry about the traffic, the economy, dying because I cannot do much to control that stuff.  But what I am giving up for Lent?  That is big.  I want to please God.  I do not want to disappoint Him.  That IS important.

By the way, my no cussing campaign has gone very well.  I have a few slips here and there but for the most part, I am over that habit.  Maybe that is why I am having trouble dieting.  I quit smoking 15 years ago, I have an occasional drink, stopped cussing, what else is left?  If I don’t have some kind of outlet I might explode.

Is it me or do others find texting miserable?  I DO it because I know some people prefer it but I really prefer talking on the phone.  I like hearing the voice, the tone used.  And LOL just is not the same as the SOUND of laughter. 

I suffer from depression.  It is a very frustrating condition.  I take my meds like a good girl and then out of nowhere I nose dive.  Nothing seems to really trigger these episodes; there is no reason for them.  I am aware that it is happening but am not able to control the emotions.  The people closest to me are used to this and when I am really quiet they know something is up.  If I am lucky it only lasts a few days and I am back to “normal” whatever that is. 

I have more blessings than anyone deserves.  How come I am so blessed?  My little problems really are just that, little problems. 

Why can’t I find a church that I like? 

Why can’t I win the lottery?  Not even the big one, the Fantasy Five would be ok.  I don’t need millions; I would be ok with a couple hundred thousand!   Why not ME?  Well, of course, the answer is why ME?

These are just some of the ramblings of a crazy person.  As I work and as I play, this stuff just runs through my head.  And I pray for the people I love.  I work to keep my mind positive as the thought of the negative taking over is far too frightening. 

Oh no, I promised to give food to the food bank for each pound I lose.  Maybe I should give it for each pound I gain, they will get more….negative. NO, get on the elliptical machine and start pushing…I am such a phony bologna…

Trust God, keep marching.  One day at a time.  Share the love.  Smile.  Think before you speak.  Keep it Simple.  There but for the grace of God go I.  Let it begin with me.  Peace…