NO CUSSING ZONE

1/8/11 No more cussing.  I have to change this habit.  Can I do it?  Who knows?  It has become so common place for me that I know it is an area of my life that needs correction and has for some time.  There are a lot of people that are jokingly going to trip me up so this is going to be a hard challenge. 

I have read that foul language shows immaturity and also a lack of imagination.  I have also heard that if you are saying one “acceptable” word to keep from saying an “unacceptable” word then you may as well say the word.  I think that is a convenient excuse, justifying the behavior that you know is unacceptable.  My biggest problem is that there are many corners of my life that this is not unacceptable behavior.  I have to keep the focus on the fact that it is unacceptable to ME.  I am not worried about what others say, I am worried about what comes out of my mouth.  So on with this journey.

I made it through day one with one slip and it sure made me angry.  There was no reason for it.  I see clearly that this is a habit. 

1/9  I did pretty well today, no slips unless you count “bioch” which has the intent but not really.  It is used as slang, jokingly of me and actually as a compliment. Maybe that was a slip but it was used perfectly.  John and I practiced pool today and that is usually a hard place for me to “abstain” but I did ok.  Maybe I played well and John didn’t irritate me?   I think when I am focusing on the problem really does help.  Isn’t awareness half the battle?

1/10  Back to work and I made it until 9:09AM and a little tiny one slipped.  It is a Monday though, and early…good grief.  I can barely see let alone THINK!  It was in reference to a person and it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, except it was cussing and judgmental and insulting, but other than that, it was ok.

I work at a place that is a cesspool of bad language.  It starts at the top and goes down to the lowliest of all – ME.  I can say there is one guy that doesn’t participate but he doesn’t come into the office much either.  Hmmmm. Oh nope can’t do that, need a paycheck.  I do see that when it is acceptable it is much harder to abstain. 

9:45 Infraction #2, still minor but disappointing just the same.

And AGAIN, I seem to be having an A$$ day today.  Every time I slip it has something to do with that; dumb, rats or bad …. What on earth is THAT about? 

10:30 PM Watching sports is not one of my better moments either.  Don’t you hate honesty?

1/11 I did really well today until I talked with the insurance agent who wants to lower the insurance on our home because the value has gone down so much.  I was ok while on the phone but cussed up a storm when I hung up.   If they don’t get you coming they get you going.  I think I am going to just rent.  OBAMA – I want to talk to YOU and all your stupid Government programs that are useless. 

1/12  I seem to be very good as long as I am alone and no one messes with me.  I guess it is true that you are influenced by the company you keep.  That is a sad thing to say about an almost 55 year old woman isn’t it?   No problems all day long, the focus seems to be working.  Watching the Magic game I had one slip again, the a$$ word.  That seems to be the word of the week.  I am not sure if that is a defense word that is a more acceptable default or if I have always said it but at least there is progress.

1/13  Another day alone at work, no problems, had a nice smooth day today.  We have pool league tonight, I can do this.  I am feeling very confident now.  Awareness and willingness to change ….

I did fine at pool, of course I won the match.  Let’s just leave it there for now!

1/14  Ahh, the end of the work week, finally!  I feel pretty good about the week.  I am confident that I can keep improving if I keep focusing on what I want to achieve.  I can see that it is the unconscious moments that are the worst, isn’t that always the way?  As long as I am paying attention to my words and choosing them carefully I avoid the unacceptable.

I have a feeling this will be a long time project, most of my journeys are.  Self improvement or self awareness issues are never simple; at least in my life!

2/12  As you can see, I waited to continue writing about this journey.  I am doing well, perfect, no.  Nothing about me is perfect so why should I start now?

Determination seems to be what works.  I have worked hard to keep this front and center and really, the people in my life have been very supportive of this journey.  I am not asking anyone else to change, I am focusing on the fact that I want to change.  Telling people that I have stopped using foul language has been key because they keep me honest. 

I know this will be an on-going battle and it will be much easier to give up than to succeed.  One day at a time as they say.   One day at a time. 

By the way $*&@ doesn’t count; it may show immaturity but it is still a pass….  I am allowed a little latitude aren’t i?

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MADE TO CRAVE

It is hard to believe it is February already; I think I took the month of January off to re-group, recover and rest from the holidays.  I must have because I did not do anything memorable except gain back eight of the 20 pounds I lost.  DEEP SIGH HERE.

I have however, been reading a book by Lysa Terkeurst called Made to Crave.  (available at Amazon.com) It is a wonderful book and I have learned much.  The initial premise of the book is that God made us to crave time with Him and we mess it up by craving food and/or other worldly things.  She writes in a way that is not preachy but fun and I related easily. 

One of the quotes that hit me was a bible quote from 1 Corinthians 10:23 “Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial”.  HMMMM.  I always tell God to hit me in the head with a 2×4 because I never get those gentle nudges and this really did smack me in the head.  This quote is not necessarily about food but certainly can be applied to my eating history. 

French fries are permissible but not beneficial; so are M&M’s.  Watching TV or killing time on the computer instead of a walk certainly qualifies.  I see so many areas of my life that this quote can apply. 

I do not want to take all the fun out of life but I have had fun for years and now it is time to pay the piper.  I don’t seem to be able to do much in moderation.  I have no gray area, I am black or white, all or nothing, high or low.  It drives me crazy sometimes because I really know that people are able to do things in moderation.  I do not seem to be one of them.  I am on my diet or totally off, when I try that moderation stuff I eat a ½ pound bag of M&M’s instead of a pounder.  I either exercise to exhaustion or don’t bother at all.  There must be some sort a mental tick I possess that causes this.

I am back on the wagon.  Since I still plan to donate a pound of food for each pound lost, the Food Bank will be filled with my repeat pounds lost, at least someone will benefit.  This week I climbed on that stupid elliptical machine.  I am slowly building my time, again; it is amazing how fast I regress.  It is too dark to walk in the morning, and I know I will not be consistent after work.  I get side tracked way too easy so elliptical it is. 

I will be 55 in March and I am reasonably healthy.  I intend to continue this battle to lose weight armed with my new focus.  Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial.  Some days I know that permissible will win out.  If beneficial wins more maybe I am finally applying the knowledge God gave me.  I hope so, or He is going to bonk me again and this one might be harder.