1/8/11 No more cussing. I have to change this habit. Can I do it? Who knows? It has become so common place for me that I know it is an area of my life that needs correction and has for some time. There are a lot of people that are jokingly going to trip me up so this is going to be a hard challenge.
I have read that foul language shows immaturity and also a lack of imagination. I have also heard that if you are saying one “acceptable” word to keep from saying an “unacceptable” word then you may as well say the word. I think that is a convenient excuse, justifying the behavior that you know is unacceptable. My biggest problem is that there are many corners of my life that this is not unacceptable behavior. I have to keep the focus on the fact that it is unacceptable to ME. I am not worried about what others say, I am worried about what comes out of my mouth. So on with this journey.
I made it through day one with one slip and it sure made me angry. There was no reason for it. I see clearly that this is a habit.
1/9 I did pretty well today, no slips unless you count “bioch” which has the intent but not really. It is used as slang, jokingly of me and actually as a compliment. Maybe that was a slip but it was used perfectly. John and I practiced pool today and that is usually a hard place for me to “abstain” but I did ok. Maybe I played well and John didn’t irritate me? I think when I am focusing on the problem really does help. Isn’t awareness half the battle?
1/10 Back to work and I made it until 9:09AM and a little tiny one slipped. It is a Monday though, and early…good grief. I can barely see let alone THINK! It was in reference to a person and it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, except it was cussing and judgmental and insulting, but other than that, it was ok.
I work at a place that is a cesspool of bad language. It starts at the top and goes down to the lowliest of all – ME. I can say there is one guy that doesn’t participate but he doesn’t come into the office much either. Hmmmm. Oh nope can’t do that, need a paycheck. I do see that when it is acceptable it is much harder to abstain.
9:45 Infraction #2, still minor but disappointing just the same.
And AGAIN, I seem to be having an A$$ day today. Every time I slip it has something to do with that; dumb, rats or bad …. What on earth is THAT about?
10:30 PM Watching sports is not one of my better moments either. Don’t you hate honesty?
1/11 I did really well today until I talked with the insurance agent who wants to lower the insurance on our home because the value has gone down so much. I was ok while on the phone but cussed up a storm when I hung up. If they don’t get you coming they get you going. I think I am going to just rent. OBAMA – I want to talk to YOU and all your stupid Government programs that are useless.
1/12 I seem to be very good as long as I am alone and no one messes with me. I guess it is true that you are influenced by the company you keep. That is a sad thing to say about an almost 55 year old woman isn’t it? No problems all day long, the focus seems to be working. Watching the Magic game I had one slip again, the a$$ word. That seems to be the word of the week. I am not sure if that is a defense word that is a more acceptable default or if I have always said it but at least there is progress.
1/13 Another day alone at work, no problems, had a nice smooth day today. We have pool league tonight, I can do this. I am feeling very confident now. Awareness and willingness to change ….
I did fine at pool, of course I won the match. Let’s just leave it there for now!
1/14 Ahh, the end of the work week, finally! I feel pretty good about the week. I am confident that I can keep improving if I keep focusing on what I want to achieve. I can see that it is the unconscious moments that are the worst, isn’t that always the way? As long as I am paying attention to my words and choosing them carefully I avoid the unacceptable.
I have a feeling this will be a long time project, most of my journeys are. Self improvement or self awareness issues are never simple; at least in my life!
2/12 As you can see, I waited to continue writing about this journey. I am doing well, perfect, no. Nothing about me is perfect so why should I start now?
Determination seems to be what works. I have worked hard to keep this front and center and really, the people in my life have been very supportive of this journey. I am not asking anyone else to change, I am focusing on the fact that I want to change. Telling people that I have stopped using foul language has been key because they keep me honest.
I know this will be an on-going battle and it will be much easier to give up than to succeed. One day at a time as they say. One day at a time.
By the way $*&@ doesn’t count; it may show immaturity but it is still a pass…. I am allowed a little latitude aren’t i?