Lately I have had so many thoughts running through my head; I don’t seem to be able to make it stop.  Tick Tick Tick all day long.

I am a big phony bologna (thank you Oscar Mayer song) sometimes.  I say I want to diet and lose weight and never seem to get anywhere.   The level of frustration and failure is unbelievable.  I surrender and think I am on the right track.  Almost every diet, weight management program, lifestyle change guru says you have to own it; say it out loud to people in order to be successful.  I am beginning to think I need to just shut up and accept myself the way I am.  The stress of trying to change it is exhausting and I am beginning to bore myself.  Stay tuned, I don’t know if this is a temper tantrum, a new thought process or just an excuse to justify failure.

I went clothes shopping Saturday.  Nothing makes me feel worse about myself than that.  I know many women that love to shop but I absolutely hate it.  The only good thing about it is lunch out!  If I can’t do lunch I may as well stay home.

I have several T-shirts and blouses that have tiny holes in them, all in the same place, the bottom front.  Something is ruining them.  I have checked the edge of my desk, the kitchen sink area, anything I can think of and have determined that it is being caused by the zippers of my pants.  Is anyone else having this problem?  I decided buying pants with elastic waist bands was the answer.  There was a lot of deliberation going on in my head over this.  Am I officially OLD if I buy them?  I think it was Dr. Oz that said never to buy elastic waist bands.  What does HE know, he is skinny?  How old do you have to be to go for comfort and not look old?  I NEVER tuck in my shirts so that might help smooth “the look.”  I’m going to be 55 this month, maybe I really AM old. 

I found trouser pants with elastic waists at Dillard’s and I love them.  They are comfortable, reasonably priced and don’t look like old lady pants.  I bought black, navy and brown.  Luckily they don’t come in red, green, yellow, orange colors like the thick polyesters that we frequently see running around Florida.  Now if the tiny holes appear again I don’t know what I will do. 

I can’t seem to watch much TV anymore.  I think I am going insane.  I watch a TV show and worry over the characters.  I dream about them, wonder if they are doing ok.   It is so bizarre, does anyone else do this?  Do I need to get my medicine changed?  I used to do this when I was younger, which is why I quit watching the Soaps.  Now we also have all these celebrity real life drama’s playing out in the press and it is heartbreaking.  Maybe my life is finally dull enough that I am looking for excitement elsewhere to feed that drama seed. 

I am thinking about giving up TV for Lent.  How would I go about that with an avid TV watcher in the house?  And what about the Magic; are basketball games considered TV?  Can I give up TV except for Magic?  Is it true that what you give up for Lent doesn’t count on Sundays?  Can I change Sunday’s for Monday so I can see “Dancing With the Stars” when it starts the end of March?  Maybe I should just say no TV after 10PM.

I worry about this stuff, it plays on my mind.  I do not worry about the traffic, the economy, dying because I cannot do much to control that stuff.  But what I am giving up for Lent?  That is big.  I want to please God.  I do not want to disappoint Him.  That IS important.

By the way, my no cussing campaign has gone very well.  I have a few slips here and there but for the most part, I am over that habit.  Maybe that is why I am having trouble dieting.  I quit smoking 15 years ago, I have an occasional drink, stopped cussing, what else is left?  If I don’t have some kind of outlet I might explode.

Is it me or do others find texting miserable?  I DO it because I know some people prefer it but I really prefer talking on the phone.  I like hearing the voice, the tone used.  And LOL just is not the same as the SOUND of laughter. 

I suffer from depression.  It is a very frustrating condition.  I take my meds like a good girl and then out of nowhere I nose dive.  Nothing seems to really trigger these episodes; there is no reason for them.  I am aware that it is happening but am not able to control the emotions.  The people closest to me are used to this and when I am really quiet they know something is up.  If I am lucky it only lasts a few days and I am back to “normal” whatever that is. 

I have more blessings than anyone deserves.  How come I am so blessed?  My little problems really are just that, little problems. 

Why can’t I find a church that I like? 

Why can’t I win the lottery?  Not even the big one, the Fantasy Five would be ok.  I don’t need millions; I would be ok with a couple hundred thousand!   Why not ME?  Well, of course, the answer is why ME?

These are just some of the ramblings of a crazy person.  As I work and as I play, this stuff just runs through my head.  And I pray for the people I love.  I work to keep my mind positive as the thought of the negative taking over is far too frightening. 

Oh no, I promised to give food to the food bank for each pound I lose.  Maybe I should give it for each pound I gain, they will get more….negative. NO, get on the elliptical machine and start pushing…I am such a phony bologna…

Trust God, keep marching.  One day at a time.  Share the love.  Smile.  Think before you speak.  Keep it Simple.  There but for the grace of God go I.  Let it begin with me.  Peace…


12 thoughts on “RAMBLINGS OF A MAD WOMAN

  1. Wow, okay…

    First of all you are not crazy, at least not in the “weird crazy” way. (Insert crazy laughter!) I often have those moments myself when I ask God, “Where are you”? I think we have those moments when we are consumed by the stuff that is weighing on our hearts and minds.Then the enemy starts to whisper in our ear that we are not worthy; not to ourselves, not to others, and certainly not to God. But we ARE worthy in God’s sight. But the enemy does not want us to believe this. It is during these times that I have a hard time focusing to even pray for God to help me, but I have come to find that these are the times to be quiet and listen; a time when prayer is nothing more than, “I trust you Jesus, I trust you Jesus, I trust you Jesus”. I think we all suffer from time to time feeling negative and I’m sure it is cyclical in women. Actually, it is cyclical in men as well (though they would never admit it). LOL

    I also hate shopping. I only go when absolutely necessary and only when I am in a good mood. If I am feeling uncomfortable with myself I just don’t go because I know I will walk out with nothing anyway. You should go with a friend who makes you feel good and will give you an honest opinion.

    As far as lent is concerned, Sunday’s are feast days and do not count during lent. If TV is something you want to give up but you enjoy certain shows but find yourself watching because you’re bored, you could give up watching everything except the couple things you really like and spend at least some of that time reading scripture, praying, or meditating. You will be showing the Lord that your heart is with Him and the down time will be good for your mind and your spirit. The rest of the time take up doing something you really love, reading or doing a puzzle or knitting, whatever floats your boat. Commit to making something like a “sew-less” blanket or other item and donate it to a good cause. Then you will feel like you have compensated for the weight loss/food bank issue.

    You have at many times been such an inspiration to me when I was feeling down and I would like to return the love. 🙂 God has us exactly where he wants us even when we feel like it’s not where we want to be. Joyce Meyers says we spend more time in the wilderness than we need to because we are rarely content. The Isrealites spent 40 years in the wilderness. The actually trip should have taken 11 days. They griped the whole time and God was like, Hello…?!

    You are a wonderful person full of grace and love, and always willing to help. Cut yourself some slack. You are always welcome to come to church with me, although Apopka is a long way to travel for you, but you are always welcome.

    Here is a prayer that helps me through these difficult times:

    Prayer of Release
    I know the one in whom I trust, and I am sure that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until the day of His return. 2 Timothy 1:12

    Heavenly Father, I release to you the burdens that I have been carrying, burdens that you never intended for me to carry. I cast all my cares upon You – all my worries, all my fears.

    Father, calm my restless spirit, quiet my anxious heart, still my troubling thoughts with the assurance that You are in control. I let go of my grip upon the things that I have been hanging onto, with opened hands I come to You.

    I thank You for Your promise to sustain me, preserve me, and guard all that I have entrusted to Your keeping. Protect my heart and mind with Your peace, the peace that passes all understanding. Father, may Your will be done in my life, in Your time, and in Your way.

    If you are like me, it’s all about the control. I have to remember, “Lord it is about thee, not about me.”
    This past Sunday the sermon was about not being able to serve two masters. Speaking simply, because I’ve already gone on too long, the “left and right” do not matter as much as the up “up and down”. If we seek God first at the top, then all the “stuff” at the bottom will be taken care of.

    Hope I haven’t sounded too “preachy”. My heart felt compelled to share what I have experienced.

    My love and prayers to you always.


    • wow Pinky! You said great stuff here, I love it all. Thanks so much. I love the restless spirit, that is probably the best definition I have heard lately. I am definitely gong to meditate on that. You are a blessing to me. Have a beautiful day my dear friend.

  2. Marilyn we all go through anxious moments. We can’t all be models, God wanted all shapes…I guess?? I went through my life the same way and now here I am 75 and I’m still fat and sassy. I am through worrying about it. Better I thank God for keeping me healthy and just enjoy my time left. I happen to be a person that really enjoys food and even though I try not to over-due, I’m not as active as I used to be. Hate to tell you but 55 is going on the down side. When I got my second chance of life after a heart attack, I learned to enjoy every day. And yes Marilyn, elastic waist pants are wonderful.

  3. Marilyn, I laughed all the way through this. You really have a wonderful blog. I have always loved your droll sense of humor but can appreciate it more here as I can go slowly, laugh, read again, etc. Great to be in contact with you again. Hugs, pat

  4. This post was absolutely wonderful 🙂 I have days like this so much! I’ve been trying everything for weight loss as well, and I’ve been getting mildly successful, and then recently lost my mind and signed up for a zumba class that starts next month. I’m terrified out of my mind now, thinking what did I get myself into lol my friend keeps assuring me of all the benefits I told her when I was justifying signing up for it, that are now coming back to bite me in the butt 🙂
    We have a swear jar at work because the cussing thing has gotten so bad, so congrats for how it’s been going for you! I hope you figured out what to give up for Lent, I haven’t had TV for almost 2 years, but my vice is the internet hehe oops!
    My thoughts bounce around like this all the time too, so it’s nice to see someone else experiences this too, and kudos to you for sharing it 🙂 Your sense of humour is wonderful, thanks for sharing it!!

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