I CAN’T KEEP MY CLOTHES ON

When I was little it was not unusual for me to come home from school with my shoes missing.  My Mom used to ask me where my shoes were and I would have no idea.  Who knew that 40 years later, this would start again, only not just with my shoes!

I was raised fairly conservative.  During the “Ban the Bra” era of the 1960’s, I was not permitted to go braless.  I did it but mom never knew.  For the most part, my dress and behavior was proper.  I have never been a prude mind you, but I also was not a tart.  I am practical to a fault and it is rare that I go outside my comfort zone.  My world turned upside down when I met my husband John in 2002.  He is constant motion and he brought out something in me that I never knew existed.  For some reason, when he is around, I cannot keep my clothes on. 

This all started one night around midnight when we were each in our own cars driving home.  We were on a four lane highway, the kind that has traffic lights almost every block.  We were side by side at a stop light and I motioned for him to roll down his window.  When he did, I tossed my granny panties out my window and into his car.  He laughed, the light turned green and off we went.  At the next light he tossed his underwear into my window.  We travelled down the road tossing clothes from window to window at each stop light.  Yes we were sober, by the way. By the time we arrived home, we were both naked and had to make a run for the house.

After that experience, it was fairly common for me to undress in the car on the way home.  It was dark so I wasn’t exposing myself to any other vehicles.  This was just a game between John and me.  Luckily we were never pulled over for any moving violations.  I have no idea how I would have explained our game.  The police have probably seen it a million times but I would have been mortified!

We put a hot tub on the patio and decided it would be wise to have a privacy fence installed.  Our neighbor immediately built a large deck in his back yard.  We wondered if that was because I was always out back naked.   I told John that if he enjoyed watching a fat old woman wandering naked in her own backyard then God love him! 

 It got worse from there.  I am not much of a drinker so when I do drink, things happen.  There is a Country song by Joe Nichols “Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off” and that is me.  When I drink tequila John has to stay very close to me.  I know what I am doing; I just don’t care.

We belong to a pool league and one night when I played particularly well, my team bought me a drink of something called Liquid Cocaine.  I don’t know what it is specifically but I do know (now) that it is a mix of several liquors.  I drank the shot down and they were so impressed that I showed no signs of inebriation that they bought me another one.  Stupid me drank it and boy was that a mistake.  I was plowed.

John wanted to go out to another club after we were done playing our matches to visit with some of our friends and I just wanted to go home.  The only thing I could think of to get my way was to make it impossible for us to go anywhere but home.  I decided to take my clothes off right there in the parking lot.  John laughed and home we went.  There was no way he was going to be able to put my clothes back on me.  I slept on the toilet that night!

John taught me to abandon my self-consciousness and be comfortable with myself.  He didn’t care about my weight; he made me feel pretty, even sexy.  We have had a few random incidents since that night but I am able to contain myself a little better now.  I certainly don’t want to ruin my reputation!

There is a picture of me when I was three or four years old in a sailor dress.  I am holding the dress up and showing my panties.  I guess maybe I was a tart all along!

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