I have been feeling blue lately, depressed, lethargic and pretty miserable to be around. I hate it when I get that way; it isn’t the norm for me. Plus, when I am feeling blue, I am pretty good about doing the “chin up” thing and moving past it. When I get down enough that it really shows, I know I am in trouble.
There is no reason at all for the depression, meaning nothing bad or sad is going on in my life. Family life fine, work good, no major financial issues, life is normal for me. I did change my diet, yet again, but that is almost normal for me too. This time I gave up dairy products so maybe my body is missing some of those hormones that are injected into cows.
I was so miserable I couldn’t stand myself. I decided to pray about it, last resort stuff. I asked God to speak to me through a trusted source so that I could hear what I needed to hear. My trusted source didn’t know that she was speaking for God; that tends to intimidate people if I tell them in advance. This process always works for me, I listen different and don’t discount what I don’t want to hear.
Through this process, I admitted I don’t much like pool. I play pool with John to please him. It is time for us together, doing something other than watching TV. That is a good thing. Plus, I am a rescuer of others and the pool hall is a playground of lost souls for me. (an entirely different blog on this topic!) Taking responsibility for myself, I am the one who suggests we go practice regularly, just to get out of the house and do something. The path of least resistance.
When John and I practice pool, he tries to teach me to play better. When I don’t want to learn, I take every suggestion as criticism. It feels to me like the nightly battles with my dad to eat vegetables. I am not going to do it and the harder I am pushed the deeper I dig in my heels.
I also found out that I have slowly stopped doing the things that I really enjoy like my weekly spiritual meetings and yoga. I give the excuse that I am too tired but really I am just being lazy. It is easier to stay home and veg. I need my cup filled up since I insist on emptying it every chance I get.
Amy Grant has a wonderful new song out “Better Than A Halleluiah” that I love. The chorus is:
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Halleluiah
When I pray honestly, amazing things happen in my life. I love it that God loves the mess I am. It helps me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep my eyes on Him.